Shin-Feld: A Cruel Angel's Thesis About Nothing
by Author0fntent
Summary: The world of Neon Genesis Evangelion...viewed through a Seinfeld-ian lens. Or, how an Evangelion pilot gets his material.
1. Prologue

*Disclaimer: I own, what else, nothing of Gainax or NBCUniversal.*

**Prologue - Shinji Stands Up**

[Suggested audio: The Theme Song]

Shinji Ikari was standing on a small stage in front of a brick wall in a small comedy club. He was wearing a blue collared shirt, a gray sport coat, jeans, and sneakers. As soon as he picked up the mic, he started his routine.

"In my humble opinion, one of the more underrated denizens of the animal kingdom is the hedgehog. You know, small spiky creature, tiny snout, every girl goes 'D'awwww, so cute!' over them?"

***Audience chuckles lightly.***

"I mean, it's funny how such small creatures found themselves in the popular eye in a couple of the least likeliest of fields that couldn't be more different from one another. On the one hand, one thinks of 'hedgehog' and immediately brings to mind Sonic-y'know, blue, wears red sneakers, runs super fast all over the place? Think about it, a _hedgehog_ is one of the most famous faces of video games. Not a gopher, not a woodchuck, not even an opossum. Of all the small mammals or rodents of the world, the hedgehog is considered prime video game mascot material. They must have a pretty good agent."

***Another round of small chuckles from the audience.***

"Now, on the other hand, the hedgehog's a unique animal in that it's probably the only animal that has a dilemma named after it. A _dilemma_, people. If you were that self-conscious, you'd be worried about being associated with a type of _dilemma_. So, what's the deal with the 'hedgehog's dilemma'? Well, apparently it's applied to theories about introversion and isolation. Freud talked about it a lot. Basically, the hedgehog's dilemma goes hand in hand with issues of intimacy. Say you're a group of hedgehogs in winter, and you want to stay warm by sharing body heat-but you're all worried you'll hurt each other because you're covered in quills. **[Moves to one side of the mic stand.]** 'Yo, move a bit closer, I'm freezin' here-OW! What'd you do that for?' **[Moves to the other side.]** 'Hey man, don't look at me, it's how we're built!'."

***A few small laughs erupt from the audience.***

"I bet this makes things kind of awkward when the holidays come around and you've got a family dinner to go to. You walk in the door, your relatives come out to greet you, but you always get poked or pricked every time you hug. Forget grandma pinching your cheeks, you gotta watch out for her pointy hugs! And it's not just you on the receiving end, 'cause grandma gets an equal treatment too! 'Why hello, dearie, so good to see youOWCH!' 'Sorry grandma, I'm really glad to be hereYIPE!'"

***More laughs erupt from the audience.***

"Now if you think hedgehogs have it rough, boy oh boy are you wrong, 'cause their fellow quill'd critters the porcupines have it even worse..."

**End Prologue.**

****Author's Note**  
Yep, what I'm doing here is an anthology of the cast of ****_Evangelion _****getting the ****_Seinfeld_**** treatment. Hopefully you'll like the hilarity that'll ensue. For example, what do you get when you put the Angels in "The Contest"...?**


	2. Part 1

**Part 1 - A Cruel Angel's Whale of a Tale**

It'd been a couple of days since Asuka and Shinji had dealt with the 8th Angel at Mt. Asuma. They were eating lunch on the roof of the school with Toji, Hikari and Kensuke, who were telling them about the class trip to Okinawa. Rei was coming up to join them at Shinji's invitation. They'd become intrigued by the story that Kensuke was currently telling about something that had happened on the trip-something involving 1) his trying to impress the other girls in the class with his 'aspirations' of being a marine biologist, and 2) a beached whale the class had seen on the shore during the trip. Shinji and Asuka couldn't believe what they were hearing.

Kensuke: "...So I started to walk into the water. I won't mince words, I was scared like you wouldn't believe! But I kept going, and as I made my way past the breakers, a strange calm came over me. I don't know if someone up there liked me, or if I was feeling the kinship of every living thing on the planet, but I tell you Shinji, at that moment-I BELIEVED I wanted to be a marine biologist!"

Rei at that moment then came up and joined her friends.

Rei: "Classmate Aida, I recently read about your encounter with a large marine animal in the paper. It was quite impressive."

Kensuke: "I know, I was just telling the others about it."

Asuka [sarcastically]: "Well, go on, geek boy-finish regaling us with your high-seas adventure!"

Shinji: "Don't let her get to you. Just keep going."

Kensuke: "Anyway...The sea was angry that day, me hearties-like an old man trying to send miso soup back to the kitchen. I swam out for about fifty feet and suddenly, the great beast appeared before my eyes. I'll tell you, he was ten stories high if he was a foot. Then, as if sensing me, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Take it easy, big guy!" And then, as I watched him struggling for air, I realized that something was wrong with its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish."

Rei: "Whales are actually mammals, Classmate Aida."

Asuka: "Yeah, you _SHOULD_ know that, Mister 'Marine Biologist'."

Kensuke: "Whatever, not the point."

Shinji: "So what'd you do next?"

Kensuke: "All of a sudden, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him-face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me, but I knew something small was lodged in there, blocking his access to precious oxygen. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the object of his torment, like so!"

Kensuke then took said object out of his pocket, revealed to be a white ping pong ball, discolored in a couple of places. The eyes of everyone save for Rei went wide upon seeing this, then turned their focus to Toji, who stared back, dumbfounded. Earlier in their conversation, he'd revealed that one of the things he did on the class trip was to try and set a record for the number of ping pong balls he could keep in the air during a game. His natural ability let him hit a number of them high into the air. Most of them came back down straight; one of them had bounced in an arc and was unaccounted for, until now. Toji turned back to Kensuke, still holding the ball in his hand.

Toji: "What is that, a Nittaku?"

Kensuke twirled it around to reveal the manufacturer's logo, confirming Toji's theory. Toji sheepishly took the ball from him, and gave it a look over before turning back to his friends. A slight look of embarrassment crept onto his face.

Toji: "You guys won't rat me out to Greenpeace, will you?"

**END Part 1.**

****Author's Note****

**Just my particular take on how Shinji, Asuka and Rei learned how the class trip they missed went. Kensuke definitely fit the George aspect for this one. Toji definitely doesn't seem like a golfer, so a ping pong ball worked out for this.**


	3. Part 2

**Part 2 - A Cruel Angel's Retaliation**

Shinji was just finishing a rendition of Bach's Cello Suite No. 1 when he heard the sound of clapping behind him. He turned around to see the source; unexpectedly, it was Asuka.

Asuka: "Not bad at all. I didn't know you played."

Shinji: "I've been practicing since I was five, but I'm not very good. I don't really have any talent."

Asuka: "Perseverance is power. I'm impressed."

Shinji: "I started studying because my teacher told me to, but I could've quit at any time."

Asuka: "So why didn't you?"

Shinji: "Because nobody told me to stop."

Asuka: "I should've known."

Shinji: "You came back early-weren't you and the guy Hikari set you up with going to the zoo too?"

Asuka: "Well, yeah, but when he went to use the bathroom, I stopped to look at the alpacas."

Shinji: "Alpacas?"

Asuka: "You know, they're like llamas-think sheep with longer necks and camel faces. Anyway, I stop to look at the alpacas, when all of a sudden I'm hit in the face by something wet. I turn and look, and there's this alpaca that I swear was really laughing his head off! Then someone tells me that the alpaca just hawked a loogie at me. Well, that got me pissed off enough that I wadded up my straw wrapper, loaded it into the straw, and waited for the alpaca to turn around. And then I *PLOINK* let 'im have it! I then stormed off, ditched the guy, and came back here."

Shinji just stared at her with a surprised look on his face.

Shinji: "Asuka, you shot a spitball at an alpaca?"

Asuka: "Well, he started it!"

Shinji: "It's an _ALPACA_, Asuka!"

Asuka: "Well, he hit a raw nerve, I couldn't help myself, baka!"

Shinji: "Well, I-I still think it's wrong."

Asuka then turned to head into her room.

Asuka: "FINE! You take the walking knit sweater's side, all right? Go ahead!"

Shinji: "But I'm not taking anyone's side!"

Asuka: "I KNOW what happened, baka."

Asuka then went into her room to get changed, shutting the door as she did.

**END Part 2.**

****Author's Note**  
Here we have a little take on the classic Kramer bit from "The Face Painter", though as a (shall we say) 'deleted scene' from episode 15 of ****_Evangelion_****. I decided to swap out the chimpanzee with a different animal to be the object of Asuka's ire. It would be just like her to be petty towards a slight like that. Thankfully Pen-Pen never did anything to earn her wrath.**


	4. Part 3

**Part 3 - A Cruel Angel's Hypothetical**

It was the aftermath of the pilots' battle with the 9th Angel, Matarael. The three teenagers had parked their EVAs near a hill, where they laid on the grass as they watched the star-lit sky. At one point in their conversation, Shinji again questioned the motives of the Angels and why they've been attacking at all.

Shinji: "Angels, messengers of God, enemies named after servants of Heaven. Why are we fighting them?"

Asuka: "Are you stupid? Strange beings are attacking us. If you're going through a fire, you've got to brush away the embers!"

Rei: "That they are attacking no doubt lives up to the many science fiction stories of alien invaders written over the decades."

Shinji: "Now that I think about it, since the Angels are aliens, I wonder what it would be like if they were all about abduction instead of destroying everything. Let me ask you two this: let's say that the Angels were all about abducting their victims instead of killing everything in sight."

Asuka: "Oooh-kaaaayyyy...What's you're point? You're starting to sound like Geek-Stooge."

Rei: "I admit, I am a bit curious as to where you are going with this."

Shinji: "They bring you aboard their mothership or whatever they used to get here, take you back to their home planet and put you on display. Now, would you rather be on display in their zoo, or their circus? Me, I'd go with their zoo. I feel like I could set more of my own schedule."

Asuka: "The zoo? BOOOOORING. At least in the circus you get to ride around in the train, see the whole planet! Not to mention the adoring masses..."

Shinji: "Really, Asuka? Wearing a funny little hat, jumping through flaming hoops...the trainers sticking their heads in your mouth..."

Asuka [resigned]: "At least it's show business..."

Shinji: "But in the zoo, you know, they might, well, put a woman in there with me to uh...you know, get me to mate."

Asuka [face-palming]: "_Baka-hentai..."_

Rei: "What if this hypothetical female expresses no interest in you?"

Shinji: "W-then I'm pretty much where I am now. On the bright side, at least I got to take a ride in a spaceship."

Both girls simply looked at Shinji for one more minute before turning their attention back to the starry skies.

**END Part 3.**

****Author's Note**  
Our next bit posits the opening conversation of "The Bizarro Jerry" as a deleted scene from the final conversation of "The Day Tokyo-3 Stood Still". This won't be the only time I riff on "The Bizarro Jerry", fair warning...Anyway, Asuka I figured would be more for the circus option, given her show-off-y, attention-craving personality. As for Rei...well, let's just leave that a mystery for now. ;)**


	5. Part 4

**Part 4 - A Cruel Angel's Wager**

In a plane of existence inaccessible to humanity, the Angels were biding their time as they awaited their respective turns to try and reunite with their progenitor. Shamshel was reading a magazine (_Colossal Beast Monthly_), both halves of Israfel were playing Connect Four, Iruel and Ramiel squared off in a game of 3-D chess, Gaghiel was building a ship-in-a-bottle, and so on. Their reverie was interrupted by the sound of a door opening, as a ragged-looking Sachiel entered.

All [greeting]: "Sachiel."

Tabris was the first to notice something off about their brethren.

Tabris: "What in our progenitor's name happened to you?"

Sachiel [shaking his head]: "They defeated me."

Zeruel: "'Who' defeated you?"

Sachiel: "Take a wild guess. Who else?"

Sahaquiel [his lone eye widening in surprise]: "You mean...!?"

Sachiel [nodding]: "Uh-huh."

Armisael and Arael both started laughing.

Armisael: "The _HUMANS_ beat you?"

A few more of his brethren joined in the laughter.

Arael: "How!?"

Sachiel [not really wanting to embellish]: "...I was making my way into their city, following the call of the progenitor. They tried to fell me with conventional forces-tanks, planes, cannons. They even tried to nuke me. Surprise to no one, not even that worked. Nobody could stop me, no one could stand in my way."

Both halves of Israfel looked at one another, enjoying the story.

Sachiel: "Then this big door opens up in the middle of the street..."

Shamshel: "A door? In the street?"

Tabris and Iruel laughed slightly.

Sachiel: "Next thing I knew, coming out of it was this big purple...thing, on two legs. Looked like a skinny robot. Something was off about it though-had a very familiar aura around it. Like ours, but not like ours too. Anyway, one thing led to another..."

Ghaghiel: "So what did it do?"

Sachiel: "First it literally stumbles out of the gate-it's like whoever they had operating it was doing it for the first time. I take advantage and fire off a beam or two, then we get to brawlin'. The purple thing at one point even draws a knife on me!"

Bardiel (reflecting on the story so far): "Man..."

Sachiel: "I didn't know whether to try and keep beating it to a pulp, or just laser lance it to oblivion."

Sandalphon: "So what did you do?"

Sachiel: "I tried laser lancing it to oblivion. I grabbed it by its head and just went to town. Third try actually put a hole in its head. Just when I thought that was the end of it, it gets back up, eyes glowing hot white, and starts ripping into me!"

The other Angels' eyes went wide.

Armisael: "It went berserk on you? And you didn't think to check to make sure it was dead?"

Sachiel: "Yeah." Noticing how his delivery made him sound, he then got defensive. "Well, it's not like I didn't know WHERE to look on that thing to check for a pulse! I didn't even know it was a cyborg!"

Shamshel: "No, I guess you couldn't have..."

Tabris [in the middle of Shamshel's statement]: "No, I wouldn't think so."

Shamshel [finishing]: "...done that."

Sachiel: "So it goes absolutely nuts on me, it's tearing me to shreds. So I get desperate-I wrap myself around the thing, and signal my core to self-destruct. You know, 'If I'm goin' down, I'm takin' you with me!' and all that."

A sea of chuckles emerged among the group of Angels, much to Sachiel's chagrin.

Leliel: "So you blew up at the thing by blowing yourself up."

Sachiel: "Yeah. I'll tell you this though-it just shows the humans are craftier than we thought. When your turns come, you _WILL_ be challenged."

Zeruel: "Heh. I'll bet any one of us lasts longer than you."

Sachiel: "You _WISH_. They are NOT to be underestimated."

The next things that came out of each Angel's mouth were all said at the same time.

Shamshel: "Pshaw."

Ramiel: "Likewise."

Ghaghiel: "Yeah, right."

Both Israfel halves: "PUH-leeze."

Sandalphon: "Excuses, excuses..."

Matarael: "You're bluffing."

Sahaquiel: "Get real."

Iruel: "Child's play."

Leliel: "Easy pickings."

Bardiel: "Like they'd ever..."

Zeruel: "No sweat."

Arael: "Like candy from a baby."

Armisael: "In-and-out, no trouble."

Tabris: "One hand behind my back."

Sachiel eyed his brethren skeptically before responding in a daring manner.

Sachiel: "You think any one of you can hold out longer? All right-let's make it interesting."

Shamshel: "Certainly. How much?"

Sachiel: "Hundred bucks."

Shamshel [pointing at Sachiel]: "You're on."

Matarael [butting in]: "Wait a minute, hold on-count me in on this."

Sandalphon: "You?"

Matarael: "Yeah."

Arael: "HA! You'll be out before Sandalphon hatches."

Soon the remaining Angels decided to drop all pretense: "We're in."

Ramiel: "Wait a moment-the wager's 100, from each of us. What do we do with the cases of Israfel and Iruel? Israfel's sometimes two people-should they each bet 100, or should it be treated as a single thing? Same with Iruel-do each of his nanites bet 100, or will it be treated singly?"

The rest of the Angels contemplated this for a moment. Tabris then came up with the solution.

Tabris: "Israfel will be treated as a single case, since it's the same mind operating the two halves. Iruel's a collective hive-mind, so he should also be treated as a single entity. Thus, both each can wager 100 just for themselves, as if they each were a single entity."

The rest nodded in agreement.

Leliel: "Now begs the question, how will we monitor each other's progress?"

Tabris: "Well, obviously we all know each other very well." Shamshel laughed at this statement. "I'm sure that we'll all feel comfortable within the confines of the honor system. Sound all right?"

Tabris then held out his pinky finger towards the center of the room. The remaining Angels then held out either their own pinkies (in the case of Sachiel and Zeruel) or energy manifestations in the shape of pinkies, hooked onto one another in a 'pinky swear', then pulled their hands away, all saying "Deal!".

In the time since that bet was made, each respective Angel's defeat varied in the length at which it engaged the humans and their creations, the Evangelions. The final tally after Tabris' defeat came down to the following:

Shamshel...1 day

Ramiel...2 days

Ghaghiel...1 day

Israfel...1 week

Sandalphon...1 day

Matarael...7 hours ("I'm out!")

Sahaquiel...1 day

Iruel...1 day

Leliel...1 and a half days

Bardiel...2 days

Zeruel...1 day

Arael...1 day

Armisael...1 day

Tabris...3 and a half days

At the end of it all, Israfel was 1300 bucks richer.

Israfel [counting the big wad of cash in its hand]: "Pleasure doin' business with y'all..."

**END Part 4.**

****Author's Note**  
This was probably the most difficult for me to work on so far. It's pretty hard to riff on as iconic a ****_Seinfeld _****episode as "The Contest", but I hopefully did my best with what I had. I decided to turn it into a contest over which Angel lasted longer both in the human world and in battle with the EVAs. I figured, based on my guess-timation of how long each Angel lasted in the series, that Israfel would win based on how it took Shinji and Asuka a week of synchronization training before they beat it in battle. If anyone here's picky with this, feel free to let me know.**


	6. Part 5

**Part 5 - A Cruel Angel's Ill Manners**

Things were very grim within the halls of the Geofront. The three EVA pilots were each in their own miserable state of affairs after the defeat of the 16th Angel, and there was tension in the air over the arrival of the 17th, whenever that was. Meanwhile, a new pilot, the designated Fifth Child, had recently arrived to replace the catatonic Asuka. Kaworu Nagisa (secretly said 17th Angel, Tabris) was certainly an odd duck-pale and red-eyed like Rei Ayanami, but with silvery white hair and an ever-present (if somewhat unsettling) smile on his face. He even went out of his way to reach out to the even more sullen Shinji, currently at his near-lowest point. His friends had left the city, his teammates were compromised in their own ways, and his guardian was obsessively continuing her ex's quest for the truth about NERV, so he was pretty much all alone again, naturally. **[A Gilbert O'Sullivan reference in an EVA fic-who would've thought...?]** Thanks to Kaworu, Shinji's spirits were beginning to lift. He started to feel like someone actually did care about him. Unfortunately, this was not to last. And it all came down to a single tortilla chip.

It was a lazy afternoon in the NERV cafeteria. Everyone present was just trying their best to go about their normal routine. The three bridge bunnies were at one table together, Dr. Akagi sitting at an awkward distance from Misato, and so on. A buffet had been set up nearby, and among the foods present were a big bowl of tortilla chips and a slightly smaller bowl of dip. Kaworu was ahead of Shinji as they surveyed the buffet. Kaworu took a tortilla chip, dipped it, and then bit off part of it. He then took the rest of it, dipped it again, and bit into it again. This action wasn't lost on the Third Child, generally the 'neat-freak' of the Katsuragi/Ikari/Sohryu household, and he did not take it well.

Shinji: "Wha-What are you doing?"

Kaworu [unfazed]: "What?"

Shinji: "Did you...did you just double-dip that chip?"

The other staff present in the cafeteria took notice of the conversation.

Kaworu: "Excuse me?"

Shinji [astonishment growing]: "You did! You double-dipped that chip!"

Kaworu: "'Double-dipped'? What are you talking about?"

Shinji [scolding]: "You dipped your chip, took a bite, and then dipped it again."

Kaworu: "And this is troubling?"

Shinji: "It-it's like sticking your whole tongue right in the dip! Look, could you please, from now on, whenever you take a chip, just dip ONCE and call it good?"

Kaworu [smiling]: "I apologize, Shinji...But I do not dip that way."

Kaworu then took another chip. Among the staff present could be heard the sounds of words like "Ugh!" "Gross!" "Seriously?" and "You're kidding me...". Only Misato said something expressing concern: "Uh oh...".

Shinji [now annoyed]: "Oh, you don't, do you?"

Kaworu: "No, I do not." Kaworu proceeded to then dip the chip. "You may dip the way you want to dip..." He then bit off part of the chip. "...and I shall dip the way I want to dip." He then dipped the chip again.

That proved to be the last straw for the increasingly-volatile Third Child. With a dour, angry expression on his face, he stormed off to the locker room, donned his plugsuit, got into and activated Unit-01, broke free from the restraints, and headed up to the surface of the Geofront. From there, he pinpointed the section of ground above the ceiling of the cafeteria, and tore it open wide, to the shock of the patrons and staff below. Misato's, Ritsuko's, and even Rei(III)'s eyes went big as saucers as they saw the right hand of Unit-01 descend into the cafeteria and grab the back of the shirt collar of the equally-perturbed Kaworu between its thumb and forefinger. Unit-01 then pulled Kaworu up to the surface, then turned to face one of the openings into the city above-ground. It didn't take long for Kaworu to put two-and-two together as to what was going to come next.

Shinji [through Unit-01's speakers]: "Hasta la vista, pasty."

Unit-01 then proceeded to punt Kaworu with a great kick, sending the 17th Angel flying and screaming out of the Geofront skyward in a long arc. The jaws of all the cafeteria patrons dropped at seeing this, and they weren't the only ones; Shinji's father, Commander Gendo Ikari, and Sub-commander Fuyutsuki saw it happen as well, their jaws also on the floor.

Gendo: "This...was not in the Scenario at all."

Fuyutsuki: "No S#!+, Sherlock."

For some strange reason, the sound of Unit-01's foot connecting with Kaworu's keister was enough to wake Asuka from her catatonia, as the Second Child got up from her hospital bed and looked out the window to see the sight of Unit-01 punting a guy like a placekicker. A smile laced with schadenfreude appeared on her face as an idea was beginning to form as to what just happened.

Asuka: "Fina-frickin'-ly, baka."

Some time later, Kaworu finally landed in a crumpled heap in the office of Lorenz Kihl, one of the members of the SEELE Human Instrumentality Committee and Kaworu's handler. Kihl looked up at the new skylight Kaworu's 'entrance' created before looking at the human/angel hybrid lying in a mess before him. He shook his head in disappointment.

Kihl: "You double-dipped a chip, didn't you?"

Kaworu merely glared at the old cyborg before collapsing with a sigh.

**END Part 5.**

****Author's Note**  
The idea behind riffing on an iconic bit of dialogue from the episode "The Implant" came to me a little while after I had written up my riff on "The Contest". The idea of Kaworu doing something as simply mundane (yet somehow looked-down upon) as double-dipping being the thing that shattered Shinji's trust in him instead of what actually happened in the canon was just too funny for me to not do.**


	7. Part 6

**Part 6 - A Cruel Angel's Slip-Up**

Another day, another tiring amount of work in the Geofront. That's what was on the minds of the NERV staff leaving at shift's end. Among those departing, Misato, Ritsuko and Maya decided to head to the gym for a workout. Once done, the three of them headed into the sauna for a refreshing sweat. Misato and Ritsuko were pros in terms of sauna endurance; Maya, on the other hand, had only been in one a few times. Still, she was ever the trooper, if mainly for her beloved sempai.

Maya [internally]: "Boy, I'm really sweatin'. Good sweat, nice beads of sweat...sweatin' bullets..."

Shen then noticed Ritsuko chatting with Misato on one of the other benches.

Maya [internally]: "Easy there, girl, don't go off the deep end. Save the fantasizing for your more private moments. GAHD, that towel's so tight around her...Oh, Rits, why bother tying a towel around you when you've got a rack on your chest?" [Eyes go wide, then furrows her brows upward as if she were addressing her brain directly.] "NO! BAD BRAIN! HEEL! Wait till we get home, at least!"

At this point, Ritsuko undid her towel and lay down on the bench, inadvertently thwarting Maya's attempts to control her gaze as she started to go beet red.

Maya [internally]: "Ooooohhhh why did I have to overhear Hyuga and Aoba debating if her chest was fake? Stupid pigs...GAH! Stupidsexysempai-GAH!"

Ritsuko and Misato then noticed that Maya was looking a bit more flush than usual.

Ritsuko: "Uh, are you all right, Maya?"

Misato: "Yeah, you're starting to look like you just chugged a quart of Tabasco sauce."

Maya [sheepishly and quickly standing up to walk out]: "OH! Uh, uh, it's nothing, really! Probably just had enough heat for one evening. Think I'll head ho-wuh-WAH!"

Maya at that moment lost her balance and stumbled forward...and landed right onto a surprised Ritsuko...

/

The next morning saw Maya arrive at her work station. She took her seat next to Makoto and Shigeru, both typing away on their keyboards. Makoto was the first to notice that Maya looked a bit disheveled.

Makoto: "You okay, Maya? You look like you barely slept."

Shigeru: "Bad dream?"

Maya [a small smile forming on her face]: "...Far from it, actually."

Makoto and Shigeru both looked at each other, puzzled, before looking back at their co-worker.

Aoba: "Anything happen at the gym yesterday?"

Maya: "Oh, nothing you need to worry about."

Makoto and Shigeru looked at each other again, shrugged, then went back to work. Maya started working herself, before letting her gaze wander to some blank section of wall as she recalled the events of yesterday evening. The smile stayed on her face as she thought to herself amusingly.

Maya [internally]: "Heh-settled your debate, boys, but you'll never know. They're definitely real. And I must say, they are..._spectacular_."

**END Part 6.**

****Author's Note**  
And another well-known joke from "The Implant" gets riffed here, with Maya filling in for poor Elaine. (Though in Maya's case, she might think otherwise.)**


	8. Part 7

**Part 7 - A Cruel Angel's Matrimony**

Shinji had just gotten off the phone with Misato, calling from the Geofront to let him know he didn't need to come in for testing today. He was walking home alongside Toji; Asuka was hanging out with Hikari, Rei was off in her usual solitude, and Kensuke had already bounded for the hobby shop for the latest release. It was then that the two resumed their conversation.

Shinji: "I had a very interesting chat with Kensuke earlier today."

Toji: "Yeah?"

Shinji: "It was weird-we were both talking about our lives and had the same epiphany: we're still kids. We're not men, not yet."

Toji: "Lemme guess-you then asked yourselves, 'ain't there somethin' more ta life'?"

Shinji: "Well, yeah, we did."

Toji: "Figgered as much." [Puts his hands on Shinji's shoulders.] "Shin-man, let me give you the down-low: _there ain't_."

Shinji: "Wait, what? Really?"

Toji: "You bet your SDAT player there ain't. I mean, whatcha thinkin' about, Shin-man? Marriage? Family?"

Shinji: "Uh, not that far..."

Toji: "Well let me just set it straight for ya: they're prisons, man. Man-made prisons-you're doin' time! Think about it: you get up in the mornin', and the wife's there. Ya go ta bed at night, there she is. It's even at the point where ya gotta ask permission to use the can!" [Adopts a mock 'wimpy husband' voice while gesticulating.] "'Can I use the can now, honey?'."

Shinji: "Seriously?"

Toji: "Totally. And forget about watching TV while ya eat, that's out the window."

Shinji: "It is?"

Toji: "Oh yeah, and why? 'Cause it's dinner time-gotta sit at the table. And whaddya do at the dinner table?"

Shinji: "What do you do?"

Toji: "Ya talk about your day." [Adopts a mock housewife voice again.] "'How was your day, dear? Did you have a good day, sweetie? Have a bad day, pumpkin? What kinda day was it?'" [Adopts a mock 'husband' voice.] "'Beats me, I don't know. How about you, how was your day?'."

Shinji [astounded but confused]: "Uh..."

Toji: "It's sad, Shin-man, a real sad state of affairs..."

By the time the two had reached the corner, they'd bumped into Asuka and Hikari, whose hearing was _just_ that good enough to catch a lot of what Toji was saying. Hikari was clearly not amused, as she grabbed him by the ear and started dragging him away, while waving goodbye to Asuka. Shinji felt sorry for his friend, but knew that Hikari could be something of a romantic on the subject they'd been discussing.

Shinji [slightly waving]: "Uh, thanks Toji. Great talk."

Toji [in-between 'ows']: "Oh, you have no idea..."

Asuka then looked at Shinji with one eyebrow raised.

Asuka: "Not that I care, but what _exactly_ were you and Jock-Stooge talking about, anyway?"

Shinji [shrugging]: "Honestly? Like he said, I have no idea."

**END Part 7.**

****Author's Note**  
I knew Toji would be the perfect Kramer stand-in for a riff on a scene from "The Engagement". And yeah, no doubt that would be Hikari's reaction were Toji unfortunate enough to be blabbing about this within (her) earshot.**


	9. Part 8

**Part 8 - A Cruel Angel's Commute**

It was the beginning of another long day in Central Dogma. To pass the time during one particular lull, Ritsuko and the three bridge techs (Maya, Makoto, and Shigeru) were engaged in a deep and meaningful conversation over freshly-poured cups of coffee.

Ritsuko: "Anywhere in the city? Seriously?"

Shigeru: "Yep. Anywhere in the city-you name it, Makoto and I can tell you which are the best public bathrooms."

Makoto: "And that is a fact."

Maya: "Strangely, I feel both disgusted, yet curious."

Ritsuko: "Same here. All right, let's see..." [Holds her chin in contemplation for a minute.] "9th and Mifune?"

Shigeru: "Greater Tokyo-3 Retail Complex. 8th floor, Tsuchiya Furniture Showcase. Give the cashier my name, you'll get the key."

Maya [one raised eyebrow and a smug smile on her face]: "Okay, here's a challenge..." [Taps her finger on the desk for a bit.] "70th and 5th."

Makoto [scoffing]: "You kidding me? The Grand Hall Performing Arts Center, Tsubaraya Pavillion. Truly magnificent facilities."

At that moment, a shaking Misato came onto the bridge. All four turned to look at her and were completely dumbstruck by what they saw. Misato's hair was a mess, her clothes were rumpled, and she had the steering wheel of her Alpine Renault in her right hand almost as if it were torn off in a rage. Most unsettling was the haunted, haggard look on her face, as if she'd just come off an extreme runner's high.

Misato [slowly, as if remembering a dream]: "...I never knew I could drive like that."

The quartet's eyes went wide, considering they all knew about Misato's particular style of driving. It was astonishing that there actually could be a point where something even more extreme could spook Misato 'Drives-like-crazy' Katsuragi.

Misato [continuing]: "I was going faster than I've ever gone before, and yet, it all seemed to be happening in slow motion. I was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving in and out of lanes like an Olympic skier on a gold medal run. I knew I was challenging the very laws of physics. On Urameshi Drive, I took the shoulder. At Kenshin Avenue, I used the median. I had it. I was there...and then...I hit the Kenpachiro. They say no one's ever beaten the Kenpachiro, but ladies and gentlemen, I tell you this-I came as close as anyone ever has. And if it hadn't been for that five-car-pile-up on Tenkawa Boulevard, I would've been here earlier with you all now instead of looking for a parking space all the way up there."

Ritsuko helped Misato to a chair as Maya quickly grabbed a cup of tea to help her relax. As soon as Maya returned and Ritsuko started massaging Misato's shoulders, Kaji arrived, looking like he'd just taken a ride through a wind tunnel while engaging in a street fight.

Misato: "What the HELL happened to you?"

Kaji: "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

Misato: "Can't be worse than my commute."

Kaji: "Well, since you implied...My car's been in the shop for the past few days, so I have to take public transportation like the rest of you. I'm waiting at a bus stop when I hear a commotion coming from the building lobby behind me. It's this woman running out, clearly upset, but not looking where she was going, 'cause the next thing you know, a street sweeper runs over her foot and severs her pinky toe."

Everyone looked at him with eyes even wider at hearing this.

Maya: "Unbelievable!"

Kaji: "Believe it! After the ambulance took her to the hospital, I found the toe. Thinking quickly, I put it in an empty Pocky box, filled it with ice from my morning iced tea, and then booked it to the hospital."

Makoto: "You ran all the way there?"

Kaji: "Nope, I jumped on the bus as soon as it arrived. I told the driver 'Get me to the hospital! Step on it, and I'll double the fare!"

Shigeru: "HO-LY-CRAP!"

Kaji: "So we start moving, and then all of a sudden, some mean-looking schlub gets up from his seat and pulls a gun out, yelling 'Nobody move!'. Well tough $#!+, any delay I encounter'll cost the woman her pinky toe, so I get out of my seat, pocket the box, and start moving toward the gunman, keeping my cool. The guy sees me and asks, 'What're you lookin' at, you Pocky schmuck?' I respond with, 'My new training dummy,' and give him a couple of swift punches followed by an uppercut [shows said moves] and seemingly knock him out cold!"

Ritsuko [mouth agape]: "How could you do that?!"

Kaji: "Then I noticed that the other passengers were screaming, and I start to see why: the driver fainted from all the commotion, so the bus is running out of control! So I grab the driver, put him into an empty seat, and take the wheel, so now I'm driving the bus."

Makoto: "...You're freaking Keanu in _Speed_."

Kaji: "Not a bad comparison. Anyway, the gunman comes to, and tries to strangle me! So I'm fighting the guy off with my right hand while keeping the other on the wheel. Finally, I managed to open the door and kick him out with a free foot at the next stop."

Misato [eyebrow raised]: "Waitaminute-you kept making all the stops on the bus route?"

Kaji [sheepishly]: "...Well, people kept pulling the cord."

Ritsuko: "So what happened to the toe?"

Kaji [smiling]: "Happily, I managed to get to the hospital in time, and now that little piggy is all the way back home."

Misato: "You seriously did all that..._for a pinky toe_."

Kaji [shrugging]: "What can I say-it's a valuable appendage."

With that, Kaji turned and headed to the break room for some coffee, leaving the stunned quintet on the bridge.

**END Part 8.**

****Author's Note****

**We have here a double-scoop. Misato's harrowing drive comes from Elaine's ordeal from "The Busboy", while Kaji's wild ride comes from Kramer's heroics in "The Fire". The street names come from various anime and Godzilla alumnus, just my own personal touch.**


	10. Part 9

**Part 9 - A Cruel Angel's Shortage**

It was another typical day at Tokyo-3 Municipal Middle School, and right now, one Asuka Langley Sohryu was beset by that little inconvenient aspect of human existence: the need to head to the ladies' room. Soon as she entered, she found an empty stall, closed and locked the door behind her, and sat. Unbeknownst to her, she wasn't the only one using the facilities at this time, as Rei Ayanami-Asuka's fellow Evangelion pilot and an object of her ire-was in the adjoining stall. When Asuka had finished, she reached down next to herself to grab some precious cottony relief, only to find something less-than-desirable: nothing.

Asuka [clearly peeved]: "_SCHIESSE! Was für ein Trottel_...Hey, I hate to bother you, and this is kinda embarrassing, but...I'm out of toilet paper over here."

Rei:"...Are you talking to me, Pilot Sohryu?"

Asuka [surprised]: "Wondergirl?! What're you...? Never mind, you've got those kinds of needs too, why am I even bothering...Not the point, ANYWAY, I forgot to check, so if you could just spare me some..."

Rei: "I am sorry, Pilot Sohryu-I am afraid I cannot do that."

Asuka [stunned]:"...WHAT? Cut the HAL-9000 crap, First."

Rei: "I am sorry, but I cannot spare it."

Asuka [aggravated]: "WHADDYA MEAN, 'cannot spare it'?"

Rei: "There is not enough to spare."

Asuka: "C'mon, I don't need much anyway! Just three squares'll do it."

Rei: "I am again sorry, I do not have a square to spare, now if you would not mind..."

Asuka [desperate]: "C'mon, PLEASE? Three squares? You can't spare three squares?"

Rei: "No, I do not have a square to spare. I cannot spare a square."

Asuka [bargaining]: "Wait, is it two-ply? 'Cause if it's two-ply, I can just take one ply-c'mon, just one, just one teensy ply, I'll just take one insignificant little ply..."

Rei: "I do not have a square and I do not have a ply."

As she said this, Rei flushed and left the stall, along with a pleading Asuka in her wake.

Asuka [frantic]: "NONONONONO DON'T GO! I'm beggin' you, and I never beg, PLEASE! RRRRRRRRR...You're gonna pay for this, you _verdammt_ doll!"

**Later that day, NERV HQ, the Geofront...**

All day long, Asuka had concocted the perfect plan to get back at Rei. The two of them (and Shinji) were at HQ for another round of testing, and they'd just finished. As soon as they showered and got dressed, they exited their respective locker rooms. Rei immediately turned to head one way, citing her need to use the facilities before they left. Asuka, maintaining a good facade, mentioned she needed to use the 'little girls' room' too, and quietly followed in after Rei at a distance, entering the stall right next to Rei's without the First Child knowing. As soon as Rei finished her business, she reached down to the holder beside her, only to find it empty.

Rei: "Hmm..."

Asuka [disguising her voice]: "Is something the matter?"

Rei: "Yes. My stall is out of toilet paper. Normally I check beforehand, but would you mind handing me some?"

Asuka [slowly dropping her vocal disguise]: "I can't, I don't have any. You could say I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a square."

Rei [realizing who it is]: "Pilot Sohryu?!"

Asuka: "You betcha, Wondergirl! I told you there'd be hell _two-ply_! BHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Asuka then ran out of her stall, carrying multiple rolls of toilet paper with her as she went. With a smug and satisfied smile on her face, she made her way back down the hall and dumped the rolls into the arms of an unsuspecting Shinji.

Asuka: "All yours, Third. Make sure you don't squeeze the Charmin! Heheheheheheh..."

Asuka then left on her way back to the trams, leaving a befuddled Shinji holding the rolls. At that moment, Misato and Ritsuko walked by him, confused by the sight of the Third Child with an unusual bundle in his arms.

Misato [teasing]: "What's with the ton o'tissue, Shinji? Gonna tee-pee someone's house?"

Rei then arrived on the scene, where she gave Shinji an icy glare upon seeing his soft white cargo. She then proceeded on her way out of the Geofront. Misato and Ritsuko looked at Shinji again, still confused. Shinji himself was more than that: he was utterly perplexed.

Shinji: "Can someone tell me what's going on? Please?"

**END Part 9.**

****Author's Note**  
This funny suggestion of using a bit from "The Stall" comes from reader Taste Paradise Coconut Rei, who also suggested I try riffing on "The Pez Dispenser" at some point.**


	11. Part 10

**Part 10 - A Cruel Angel's Retreat**

To make up for the pilots being unable to join their class on the trip to Okinawa, Misato arranged a weekend retreat for them in a nice beach town on the outskirts of Tokyo-3. She also added that they could invite their friends along as well, so they wouldn't feel left out. Maya volunteered to co-chaperone, feeling she needed to get away from the Geofront for a bit. On the day they headed out, Shinji, Toji, Kensuke and Hikari piled into Misato's car (Shinji having given them some fair warning about enduring a road trip in this contraption), while Asuka, Rei and Mari piled into the van driven by Maya. The drive to the beach town (and the beach house they rented) proved a bit uneventful, so various conversations tided the occupants of each vehicle over as they made their way. One particular topic in Maya's van that came up was Asuka mentioning her learning of Rei's vegetarianism.

Asuka: "So no meat at all?"

Rei: "None whatsoever. No beef, pork, chicken, or fish."

Asuka: "Not even eggs?"

Rei: "Not even eggs. Thankfully, there have been a number of culinary workarounds invented in recent years."

Asuka: "Wow. You don't know what you're missing out on, Wondergirl. Some of the finest examples of great cuisine are meat dishes like you wouldn't believe. Steak tartare, mushroom and fennel-encrusted pork fillet, chicken cordon bleu..."

Mari: "Sounds like you memorized the menu of Per Se."

Asuka: "I have a cousin on my stepmom's side who's a New Yorker. She gushes heavily over their food."

Rei: "The way you enthusiastically go on about meat dishes makes me think you would make a terrible vegetarian."

Asuka: "Oh, _really_? HA! I bet I could make your diet work for me, no sweat!"

Rei: "You 'bet'? Are you implying a wager?"

Asuka: "Uh...YEAH, I am. Whaddya say, First? We'll make this weekend interesting. I go the entire length of the retreat without eating any meat at all."

Rei: "Do you think yourself prepared for such an endeavor?"

Asuka: "Totally! But...Can we just have one handicap?"

Rei: "What would that be?"

Asuka: "Scrambled eggs-if I don't get some form of protein in the morning, I REALLY go ballistic, and no one gets spared."

Rei: "Very well, I will allow that. Now then, what is at stake in this bet?"

Asuka: "Hmmm...How's this: I win, you take all my slots for cleaning duty at school for the next two weeks."

Rei: "And if I win?"

Asuka: "Indeed, IF you do win?"

Rei: "...Something simple: you must be nice to Ikari, Aida and Suzuhara. No insults, no boasts, no accusations-for the rest of this month."

Asuka [astounded]: "Eeehhh...? Oooohhhh...FINE. You drive a hard bargain, Wondergirl."

The two of them shook hands.

Mari: "And I got it all in writing!"

Mari then held up a pad of note paper.

Asuka [surprised]: "WHAT? Why're you butting in like this?"

Mari: "I'm calling dibs on being the arbiter. Documented every bit of the bet right here. Just to help you guys make it official."

She adjusted her glasses and read back what she wrote.

Mari: "_The following wager between pilots Sohryu and Ayanami is as described: Sohryu will go the entire weekend of the retreat without consuming any meat product aside from eggs, but no other exceptions. Should Sohryu make it, Ayanami will assume all of Sohryu's school cleaning duty shifts for the next two weeks; should Sohryu lose, she will refrain from having a nasty attitude (insults, boasts, or accusations) around pilot Ikari and friends for the rest of this month._"

Mari then held out two pens, a red for Asuka and a blue for Rei, implying they should sign the paper. Both girls looked at Mari for a moment before hesitantly taking the pens and signing their names below the paragraph.

Mari: "And of course, I've got a witness to the whole thing, even if it was just via listening or glimpsing via the rear-view mirror. Isn't that right, Lt. Ibuki?"

Maya [impish smile on her face]: "That's affirmative."

Asuka: "*SIGH* Fine. But none of this leaves the van-no one else needs to know about it. Got it?"

All but Asuka: "Yes."

With that, the van and Misato's car finally pulled up to the beach house. Everyone got out and started to unpack the cars as they carried their luggage inside. Once everyone got settled in, Asuka, Hikari, Misato and Maya decided to poke around town for a bit, while Mari decided to do some sunbathing, and the rest decided on taking a dip in, or relax by, the pool.

While Rei did a few laps in the water, Shinji, Toji and Kensuke sat in the chairs nearby chatting away.

Shinji: "So, why the ridiculous hat, Kensuke?"

Kensuke: "You know why? One word: shade."

Toji: "I don't know about you guys, but I'm gonna go see if there's any girls on the beach. Wanna come?"

Shinji: "Uh...No thanks. I'd like to enjoy this weekend without incident."

Kensuke [looking towards the beach]: "Oh, this is interesting..."

Toji: "What?"

Kensuke: "Mari's topless."

Toji and Kensuke-and even Rei-all looked as Mari, indeed topless, started walking back their way.

Toji: "Yo yo ma..."

Kensuke [adjusting his glasses]: "Boutros Boutros-Ghali..."

Shinji blushed heavily, while Rei simply looked unfazed.

Kensuke: "This is weird, wild stuff. Why do you think we're getting the glimpse?"

Toji: "Maybe she's trying to create some buzz-y'know, get some good word-of-mouth going."

Shinji [nervous]: "Here she comes. Act natural."

Mari then came up to the pool and looked at everyone.

Mari: "Well, I'm parched-anyone want a drink?"

Shinji [still sheepish]: "Uh...no thanks."

Kensuke: "I'm good."

Toji: "Gah-gah-gah-gah-gah..." Mari then headed inside, a Cheshire Cat-like grin on her face. "Whoa-kay, show's over-I'm gonna take a long walk on the beach."

With that, Toji took off for the sand. Rei resumed her swimming, while Shinji and Kensuke turned to each other.

Shinji: "You know, I don't think we should tell anyone that we saw Mari topless."

Kensuke: "No, I don't think so."

Shinji: "It's a must-lie situation."

Kensuke: "Yes indeed, a must-lie situation."

Shinji: "Remind me to tell Toji when he gets back."

Kensuke: "Definitely. Hikari'll gut him if she finds out, let alone what the Red Devil'll do to all three of us..."

Both immediately shuddered at the thought.

A little bit later, Toji was informed of Shinji and Kensuke's secret pact, which he immediately joined in on. A little while afterwards, Asuka, Misato, Hikari and Maya returned from their little venture into town, with a few more ingredients for dinner. At that moment, an unexpected guest arrived at the beach house: Kaji, carrying with him a Styrofoam cooler filled with a surprise feast.

Kaji: "How's it goin', folks? Hello, Katsuragi."

Misato [not amused]: "Hello, _Kaji_."

Maya: "How'd you know we'd be here?"

Kaji: "Rits filled me in. I thought an additional set of eyes could help on this trip, and I even brought a little contribution to the festivities."

He then opened up the cooler, revealing his offer of a main course for dinner tomorrow night. Everyone's eyes went wide with surprise.

Shinji: "You brought lobster for everyone?"

Kaji: "Yep, and they're fresh, right out of the ocean!"

Kensuke [very enthusiastic]: "Oh this is great, fantastic! Man, what a weekend-swimming at the beach, lobster for dinner..."

Asuka, hiding behind an excited smile, squirmed a bit inside. Lobster-one of the truly luxurious examples of eating seafood-and she couldn't eat it because of that stupid bet with Rei!

Asuka [mentally]: "_Gott, could this get any worse?_"

And yet it did.

Kaji: "So, anything interesting happen before I got here?"

Rei: "While Major Katsuragi, Lt. Ibuki, Sohryu and Horaki were in town, I saw pilot Makinami topless."

The jaws of Misato, Maya, Asuka, and Hikari dropped, while Shinji, Kensuke, and Toji all made various forms of the facial expression of 'damn!' nearly out of the girls' view. Mari kept smiling, unfazed by all this.

Hikari: "...You saw _who_, WHAT?"

Rei: "I saw Makinami topless. As did Ikari, Aida and Suzuhara."

All eyes then turned to the very mortified forms of Shinji, Kensuke and Toji as they grew very pale at being outed.

Maya: "You saw Mari topless?"

The boys realized their situation was hopeless. Shinji was the first to admit it.

Shinji: "All right."

Misato: "You saw Mari topless."

Shinji: "Well, while you went into town, Mari went sunbathing topless."

Asuka: "You mean face-down on her chest, **RIGHT**?"

Shinji: "...No."

Hikari [appalled]: "Face-up on her back?"

Toji [resigned]: "*SIGH* Yeah."

Asuka [turning to Mari]: "Well, **WHY'D** you do that?"

Mari [still unfazed]: "It's just how I cool off. Not like I have anything to hide, I'm not ashamed."

Misato: "You mean you just laid there, topless?"

Mari: "No no, after a while I got up and came back in."

Hikari [looking at the boys]: "And you **LOOKED**?"

Kensuke: "*SIGH*...YES, but let me clarify, in our defense, we did not LEER."

Toji: "Or whistle. Or hoot, holler, or all manner of wolf-like-"

Kaji: "I think they get it-but you're probably not getting out of this one easily."

This came true as Asuka delivered a Moe Howard-patented triple-slap to the boys while Hikari simply looked on in disgust before walking to the room she shared with the rest of the girls. Misato, less severe but still stern, pulled them aside (along with Mari) to give them the best 'lecture' she could muster as Maya stood witness. After that, Mari promised to cover up a bit more during her beach-side hi-jinks, while the boys were effectively ordered to keep their 'bird-watching' impulses in check.

The next day was a relatively calmer affair. Most of the group played volleyball down on the beach, while a few stayed and hung around the beach house. Shinji opted to take a dip in the pool himself, hoping for some ever-elusive relaxation. A little while later, he got out of the pool, toweled off briefly, and headed inside to change. Shortly after, the volleyball group came back.

Asuka: "Be with you guys in a sec, just going to change."

Misato: "No prob-just use the second room down the hall, on the right."

Asuka then made her way to the door of said room, unaware Shinji was on the other side.

Shinji had just gotten out of his swimsuit when Asuka opened the door and walked in on him, much to their mutual shock. Shinji yelped like he was going to jump out of his skin as he attempted to cover himself, while Asuka let out a frightened shriek.

Asuka [embarrassed]: "EEEEEEEE-BAKA-HENTAI!"

Asuka then slammed the door shut, but not before the image of a naked Shinji was unfortunately burned into her psyche. Shinji looked at where she just took her leave, then down at himself, and then back up again as another thought occurred to him.

Shinji [shouting in embarrassment]: "I was in the pool! I was in the pool!"

A few minutes later, Shinji had asked Kaji to speak with him in another room. For the Third Child, this was going to be an awkward conversation.

Shinji: "So she didn't do it on purpose?"

Kaji: "Nah, Misato just gave her the wrong door."

Shinji: "It wouldn't have been as bad if it hadn't been for...well...something else..."

Kaji: "Something else, like...?"

Shinji: "Well, I'd just gotten back from swimming in the pool. And the water was cold..."

Kaji: "Ah-you mean shrinkage."

Shinji: "Y-yeah. Shrinkage..._Significant_ shrinkage!"

Kaji: "And you're feeling a bit shortchanged now, are ya?"

Shinji: "W-no. I mean yes! I mean, if she thinks that's me she's got a complete misconception. It wasn't me, I swear...OH CRAP, what if she tells the others?"

Kaji: "She's not gonna tell the others."

Shinji: "How do you know?"

Kaji: "Kid, women aren't like us."

Shinji: "Of course they aren't-they're worse! (At least that's what Toji says.) Much worse-they talk about everything!"

Kaji: "Relax, you've got nothing to worry about. Besides, I think even women know about shrinkage."

Shinji: "How would they know?"

Kaji [noticing Maya walking by]: "Hey, Ibuki!" [Motions for her to come in.]

Maya stepped into the room.

Kaji: "I need to clarify something for Shinji, set his mind at ease. Do women know about 'shrinkage'?"

Maya [confused]: "What, like in laundry? Or 'Shrinky Dinks'?"

Kaji: "No no, like when a guy goes swimming...and then afterwards..."

Maya [confused, before blushing with realization]: "...OH...It shrinks?"

Kaji: "Think of a frightened turtle."

Maya [scratching her head]: "Why does it shrink?"

Shinji: "It-it just, well, does."

Maya looked at them with a quick double take before shrugging and turning to head out the door.

Maya: "Honestly, I don't know how you guys walk around with those things."

Later that evening, everyone was at the dinner table eating the lobster Kaji had brought yesterday. Although Asuka did her best to put up a good front, inside she was doing her best not to lose it in front of everyone with the smell of the freshly-cooked lobster wafting over the table, torturing her nostrils with its inviting whiff. Mari, Maya, and Rei, in their own ways, knew what Asuka was going through. The others, for the most part, were a bit perplexed by Asuka sticking with just grilled vegetables for dinner like Rei.

Hikari: "Thanks for the lobster, Mr. Kaji."

Mari: "Yeah, this is delicious. Like eating at the Ritz."

Kaji: "Well, I can't take all the credit, Shinji was a great help getting it all ready."

Shinji [blushing]: "Oh, uh, thanks, it was no trouble at all."

Toji: "Seriously, man, you ought to think of going the chef route when you get older."

Kensuke: "Hell, you'd be the class valedictorian at the Escoffier school in France."

Misato: "Asuka, you sure you won't have any?"

Asuka [sheepishly]: "Uh, yeah, it's really okay. I've had lobster before, I'm just trying out a new diet. That's all."

Maya: "So Kaji, where did you get all this lobster anyway?"

Kaji: "I picked it up in town on my way over here. Cosmo's Seafood Stall, on the waterfront. Like I said, fresh, right out of the ocean."

Asuka slightly winced, her resistance ebbing just a bit more at hearing that. Mari noticed it out of the corner of her eye.

Later that night, long after everyone else had gone to bed, Asuka carefully tiptoed her way into the kitchen, constantly looking to see if the coast was clear. Just as she got to the fridge and began to open it, a light came on over the table, startling Asuka as she looked in its direction. Mari was sitting at the table, a plate in front of her, the cord for the overhead light in her right hand, and something else in her left hand.

Mari: "Looking for this?" [Holds up a lobster tail.]

Asuka [embarrassed]: "Ah! Mari? I-I-I...Wait, what're you doing here at this hour?"

Mari: "Well, I figured you might wind up here. Maybe intending to welch on the bet?"

Asuka: "...Grrrr ALL RIGHT, you caught me. I couldn't stop thinking about everyone savoring the lobster, enjoying it! It was driving me crazy! I just thought, it's just a little taste, it wouldn't hurt, right?"

Mari: "'Fraid I can't let ya do that, girlfriend."

Asuka: "Why not?"

Mari: "Wouldn't be like the 'great Asuka Langley Sohryu' to back out of a bet so easily now, would it?"

Asuka [desperate]: "C'mon, Mari, I REALLY wanna try it!"

Mari: "Nuh-uh, nope, nada, nothin' doin', sorry hon-not on my watch."

Asuka [reaching for the lobster tail]: "C'mon, Mari!"

Mari [swiftly swiping it away]: "Heyahhh!"

This back-and-forth kept going for the better part of twenty minutes before Asuka, now very tired, finally gave up and headed back to bed. Satisfied, Mari finished off the tail, cleaned her plate, and then headed back upstairs to brush her teeth and head to bed as well.

The next morning, everyone was at the table eating breakfast that Shinji had made...and they were enjoying it greatly.

Toji: "Thanks for making breakfast, Shin-man."

Maya: "I swear, these are the best scrambled eggs I've ever had!"

Misato: "I told you he was an excellent cook."

Shinji: "Oh, I don't mind-this is my way of thanking you for this great trip, Misato."

Rei: "Thank you very much for preparing a vegetarian version for me, Ikari."

Shinji: "Oh, no trouble at all, Ayanami. I'm just glad Misato thought ahead and bought some Scramblit in town when we got here."

At that moment, Asuka finally joined everyone at the table.

Asuka: "Morning."

All: "Morning."

Asuka: "Mari, loathe as I am to admit it, thanks again for last night. You really saved my bacon."

Kaji: "What happened?"

Mari: "Oh, Asuka nearly cheated on her diet, but I stopped her in her tracks. Anyway, no prob, Red-you'd have regretted it for the rest of your life."

Asuka [internally]: "_More than anyone here would ever know..._"

Shinji then piled some scrambled eggs onto Asuka's plate. She then took a bite and savored the taste.

Asuka: "Geezus, Third, these are delicious. Where'd you learn to make these?"

Shinji: "I got the recipe out of an odd cookbook I found a while ago. The Vandelay Art of Quirky Cuisine. You like them?"

Asuka: "Mm-hmmm."

Misato: "All right, Shinji, spill it. The suspense is killing us-what's the secret here?"

Kensuke: "The public has the right to know!"

Shinji looked around the table as the others all conveyed their consensus on the subject. At that, he finally gave in.

Shinji: "All right, I'll talk. It's a pretty interesting recipe, I would've never had thought of preparing them like this. In fact, it might be more fitting if you all ate them with one of these." [Holds up a lobster bib.]

Everyone's eyes went wide with surprise, with Asuka's even wider than her own plate.

Hikari: "There's lobster in these eggs?"

Shinji: "Except for Rei's vegetarian ones, yeah, not that much though."

Asuka looked back down at her plate, then back up at Shinji. Her eyebrows furrowed into a more angry look as she growled. She got up from her chair, walked over to the counter, grabbed a large empty cooking pot and a wooden spoon, and then placed the pot over Shinji's head. While her right hand held the pot, the hand holding the spoon moved swiftly as it struck the pot like one would do to a gong, an action she repeated twice, rattling Shinji intensely. Everyone sat there shocked as Asuka then stormed off.

Mari: "Well, congrats, Blue-you just won your first bet."

Rei [a small smile beginning to form on her face]: "...Yes...It feels oddly...satisfying."

**END Part 10.**

****Author's Note(s)**  
Ah, probably my most ambitious riff since putting the Angels in a takeoff on "The Contest", a send-up of "The Hamptons". I know this looks abridged, considering the lack of 'You gotta see the bay-bee!' and 'Breathtaking', but I wanted to shorten it to get to the punchline. Oddly enough, for a long time I've wanted to try lobster scrambled eggs...**


	12. Part 11

**Part 11 - A Cruel Angel's Parting**

It was another lazy evening at the Katsuragi/Ikari/Sohryu household, with everyone in the living room occupied with their own little diversion. Misato and Asuka watched some bad TV, Shinji did a little homework, and Pen-Pen was reading _War and Peace_ in the corner. Eventually, bored curiosity sparked the next set of words that came out of Asuka's mouth.

Asuka: "Hey, Misato?"

Misato: "Yeah?"

Asuka: "How DID you and Kaji break up?"

Misato was taken aback a tiny bit by her question. Shinji turned around, curious at what was going on.

Shinji: "Huh?"

Asuka: "I'm asking Misato how she and Kaji broke up in the first place."

Misato: "Why're you asking me in the first place?"

Asuka: "A girl's gotta know. All I ever got from Kaji himself was the usual playbook of swerves, run-arounds, and other conversational distractions."

Misato [still skeptical]: "...You sure you really wanna know how it all went down?"

Asuka nodded her head affirmatively in quick succession. Shinji pulled up closer, curiosity now having hooked him as well. Misato let out a long sigh as she finally acquiesced.

Misato: "All right. It all happened..."

**Flashback, a small cafe near the college Misato, Kaji and Ritsuko attended...**

Misato and Kaji were seated at a booth in the small cafe they'd decided to dine in. She'd just informed him that she'd decided it was time for them to part ways. Needless to say, it was clear Kaji wasn't taking it well, but he had an odd way of expressing it.

Misato: "I'm sorry, Kaji."

Kaji [concerned]: "I don't understand, things were going so great! What happened? Something must've happened."

Misato: "It's not you, it's me."

Kaji looked at her with his mouth agape, dumbstruck.

Kaji [flabbergasted]: "You're giving me the 'it's not you, it's me' routine? I _INVENTED_ 'it's not you, it's me'! Nobody tells me it's them, not me. If it's anybody, it's me."

Misato: "All right, Kaji, it's you."

Kaji: "DAMN RIGHT it's me."

Misato: "I was just trying to-"

Kaji: "I know what you were trying to do. Nobody does it better than me."

Misato: "I'm sure you do it very well."

Kaji: "Yeah, well, unfortunately _you'll_ never get the chance to find out."

At that moment a confused look appeared on his face, as if what he just said just didn't sound right.

**Back in the present, Misato's apartment...**

Both Shinji and Asuka looked at their guardian wide-eyed with surprise.

Asuka: "WOW. Never knew Mr. Kaji was that self-conscious."

Shinji: "Did he really invent that routine?"

Misato: "What can I say-I never got the chance to find out."

With that, Misato continued to munch on some popcorn as she got back into the program on TV, while the two EVA pilots simply stared at each other, perplexed by what they'd just heard.

**END Part 11.**

****Author's Note(s)****  
**After the lengthy previous part, we've got this short little nugget based on George's breakup with Gwen in "The Lip Reader". Misato and Kaji's break-up was the perfect setup for riffing on this particularly famous bit of ****_Seinfeld_**** dialogue. We know the real reasons why Misato broke things off with Kaji, but I felt that it'd put things in a funnier context with the use of this routine.**


	13. Part 12

**Part 12 - A Cruel Angel's Haircut**

At the advice of his friends, Shinji decided it was time for something of a new look. Where else to start but with a new haircut? One day, he went to a barber shop in the middle of Tokyo-3. Unfortunately, the guy who cut his hair was a fresh graduate from the academy who hadn't really had much experience outside the curriculum. The result was Shinji walking out of the shop with, in his view, a not-to-good haircut. So for the following day, he took to wearing a baseball cap to cover the misstep that crowned his head. He managed to get out ahead of Misato and Asuka, in order to escape the teasing deluge that would've come, and made his way to school.

By the time the lunch bell rang, he was already up on the roof with Toji, Kensuke, Hikari, and Rei. None of them really paid any heed to the hat he wore-he'd given them a story that he found it to be lucky, so he decided to wear it. Eventually, Asuka joined them at lunch and sat down next to Hikari.

Asuka: "Hey."

Hikari: "Hi."

Asuka [turning to Shinji]: "How come you're wearing a hat, Third?"

Toji: "Y'know, I was just gonna ask him the same thing."

Kensuke: "Sorry Shinji, but I didn't completely buy your 'lucky hat' story."

Shinji [hesitantly]: "Well, I...I...*SIGH* I got a haircut yesterday."

Asuka [eyes wide with curiosity, mouth now a wide, teasing smile]: "Oh, _really_? Can we see it?"

Shinji [dismissively]: "Ah, there's nothing to see."

Asuka [insistent]: "C'MON, lemme see it."

Shinji: "Forget it."

Toji and Kensuke: "Come onnnnnnn..."

Shinji knew he was outnumbered, so he went the defeatist route and gave in.

Shinji: "*SIGH* All right, all right..."

With that, Shinji took off his cap, revealing his bad haircut to the world. Everyone just stared in silent surprise, until the silence was broken by a very, very, VERY unexpected sight and sound, one that none of them ever thought they'd see coming.

Rei Ayanami, the stoic, quiet, almost-unfeeling First Child, had burst into laughter.

It was as if a dam had been blown inside her. Up till then, Shinji and co. had made a few attempts to get even so much as a giggle out of Rei-they told dumb jokes, tried a few bits of actual Stooge slapstick, every pun in the book, and still nothing. The fact that it took Shinji's bad haircut to finally break the pilot of EVA Unit-00 was nothing short of astonishing to everyone around her.

Rei laughed as she dropped her bento, pounding a fist into the ground beside her. She then clutched at her side as her laughter continued. Said laughter eventually proved to be contagious, as Asuka turned from Rei back to the sight of Shinji's haircut, and then joined the girl she claimed to dislike immensely in laughing at it. Toji and Kensuke turned to their friend, then to each other, and started laughing too, Kensuke pounding his fist into the ground and Toji slapping the ground with his own bento. Even Hikari wasn't immune, as she soon began to giggle, her face partly hidden by her hand. Shinji rolled his eyes as his friends kept laughing.

Shinji: "Very good, thank you. Thanks."

Rei [between laughs, tears in her eyes]: "Ha ha ha ha-I'm sorry. I'm so sorry-pff ha ha ha ha ha ha...!"

Asuka [still laughing]: "Y'know, Wondergirl, I think I was wrong about you. There might just be hope for you yet! PHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Hey, Third, answer me this, will ya?"

Shinji: "What's that?"

Asuka: "Can you give me the name of your barber? I think your fellow Stooges could use the same treatment! PHAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

At that, Toji and Kensuke stopped laughing as they looked at the still-laughing Asuka in terror, and then back to Shinji with the same expression.

**END Part 12.**

****Author's Note(s)**  
Another short nugget, based on a gag from "The Barber". I'd read somewhere that in the manga, Shinji tried to make Rei laugh by sticking his finger up Toji's nose or something. For narrative purposes, I'd think that it'd be funny that something completely mundane as a haircut (especially a lousy one) could break even the most stoic of moe girls, with Rei being the queen of them.**


	14. Part 13

**Part 13 - Rei Stands Up**

[Insert Seinfeld theme song here.]

Rei Ayanami, in contrast to her usual haunts, was standing onstage at a small comedy club. She was wearing a black t-shirt with the phrase "Blue Humour" written in blue letters, a pair of jeans, light blue Converse sneakers, and a pair of dark blue wristbands. As soon as she took the mic, she began her routine, while also sporting, contrary to her usual swath of expressions, a smile on her face.

"There's a character type in fiction that I've got a soft spot for, and one that often gets shorted in science fiction. I'm talking about, of course, clones. Just look at the pop cultural landscape: Superman's got clones, Spider-Man's got clones, American Idol's got 'em, even Star Wars has a whole _galaxy_ far, far away full of clones. And trust me, they do get shorted. A LOT. They're either soul-less puppets, evil twins, or just a new toy when the old one gets broken. You could say that in pop culture, because they usually fall under one of those cliches, clones can be a bit..._superfluous_."

***A few mild chuckles are heard among the audience.***

"Soap operas definitely have it worst, since every one you see on TV almost seems like it's a clone of another. I mean really, picture a couple of soap opera writers trying to avoid all the usual storylines, 'cause they've all been done before. Just imagine: **[moves to one side of the mic stand]** 'So whaddya think, dream sequence?' **[shifts to the other side]** 'Nah, too sleepy.' 'Okay, long-lost relative?' 'Nah, family tree gets too big.' 'All right..._twin trouble_?' 'No way, too _redundant_.'"

***A few small laughs erupt from the audience.***

"What I really want to see more of, personally? Clones doing nothing, living their own lives, having their own dreams. So what if they look exactly like their genetic donor, at least they have something else going on in their spare time. You know that Spider-Man clone I hinted at before? The guy actually did this. Dyed his hair, took off on the road, wound up getting a job in a coffeehouse. In other words, he went and became a hipster, before it was cool."

***A few more laughs erupt from the audience.***

"Now, don't even get me started on androids..."

**END Part 13.**

****Author's Note****  
**Finally came up with something decent as a 'middle' to this ongoing (for now) piece. NERV Gets Juiced took up a lot of my creativity, but I hopefully have something here that works. Tune in for the next series of drabbles to follow, starting with another one centering around the conversational minutiae of the Angels...**


	15. Part 14

**Part 14 - A Cruel Angel's Side Hustle**

Israfel, Gaghiel, and Leiliel (in its orb form) were sitting on the same bench, with Israfel reading a paper, Gaghiel reading a tabloid, and Leiliel eating some popcorn. Gaghiel let out a small grumble as he turned the page.

Gaghiel: "Hey Leiliel, what's goin' on with your Bermuda Triangle side-gig lately?"

Israfel looked at his two fellow Angels surprised.

Israfel [pointing to Leiliel]: "Wait, that's been YOU the whole time? I always thought it was Gaghiel, seemed more like his speed."

Gaghiel [turning to Israfel]: "Nah, that was me and Leiliel back in Ancient Greece, when we made everyone think we were Scylla and Charybdis."

Leiliel [sheepishly]: "...All right, ya caught me. It started out with me just scaring sailors back in the 1880's for kicks. I figured hey, if the progenitor didn't come back at all, I could make a living as one of those 'unsolved mysteries' kind of deals. You know, cause some kinda ruckus in the scientific community, stir up the conspiracy theorists into a frenzy, the works. Kept it up for a good while...But with the whole Tokyo-3 thing we're in, I just haven't had much time. Among other things..."

Israfel: "I see."

Gaghiel [pointing to the tabloid]: "Point I'm making is, I really miss the Bermuda Triangle, always gave me a laugh every time I read one of these."

Israfel: "Well, as Leiliel mentioned, with what we're currently up to right now, it seems there's not much action there these days."

Leiliel: "Oh, there's action...I've made sure there's still plenty of action, even after Second Impact..." He then pointed to Gaghiel's tabloid. "It's that damn 'alien autopsy' stealing all the headlines."

Gaghiel [shaking his head]: "Yeah, tell me about it."

Israfel: "Here's what you gotta do: suck in a plane, or a Greenpeace boat. Now, either of those would get your numbers up again."

Leiliel: "The boat, maybe. The plane, not so much-airline food always didn't sit well with me."

Gaghiel [turning to Leiliel]: "Something that always bugged me-how do you keep the water out? I mean, why doesn't that get sucked into your Sea of Dirac?"

Leiliel [looking at Gaghiel incredulously]: "Now, what would be the point of taking the water?"

Israfel and Gaghiel looked at one another, dumbfounded, before turning back to Leiliel.

Gaghiel [shrugging]: "It's gorgeous water..."

A pregnant pause emerged between the trio, before Gaghiel spoke up again.

Gaghiel: "Remind me, who owns Bermuda, the Americans?"

Leiliel: "No, the British."

Gaghiel: "Aren't they lucky..."

Things were quiet again for a minute, until Leiliel spoke.

Leiliel: "So, what do you think of that alien autopsy?"

Gaghiel: "Oh, THAT'S real."

Israfel: "I think so, too."

**END Part 14.**

****Author's Note**  
This little chit-chat about nothing comes from the ****_Seinfeld _****episode "The Package", with the original conversationalists being Kramer and Newman. Figured it might be funnier with these particular Angels, especially Leiliel, who most definitely would be a candidate for 'what is the Bermuda Triangle'. Wouldn't be surprised if Shinji, during his time in Leiliel's Dirac Sea, actually saw Amelia Earhart within. **


	16. Part 15

**Part 15 - A Cruel Angel's Noodle Incident**

It was the late afternoon as Misato and the three pilots rode the train back into the city. It'd been quite a day for them: in enacting a plan of Misato's that had very, very low odds, Shinji, Asuka and Rei were able to defeat Sahaquiel, the 10th Angel. Misato had promised them a steak dinner should they make it out of the battle alive, which they did.

Asuka: "Now you're going to have to keep your promise."

Misato [reassuringly]: "Of course! I withdrew a fortune, so I can even handle a full-course dinner." _Though it's before payday..._

Asuka: "Relax, Misato, we know the state of your wallet. You can take it easy."

Misato was surprised by Asuka's remark.

Asuka: "I gave it some thought, and there's gonna be a slight change in our dinner plans. We're gonna go the ramen route tonight."

Misato [more surprised]: "Why ramen?"

Asuka: "Hikari recommended this place that just popped up recently. She's been going there."

Shinji: "Kensuke and Toji too. Kensuke especially, he's always raving about it. According to him, you will be stunned."

Misato [skeptical]: "Stunned by _ramen_?"

Asuka: "You can't eat this ramen standing up, your knees'll buckle. Hikari's own words."

Misato: "Huh. Ramen that'll bring you to your knees. Go on..."

Shinji: "There's only one catch-the guy who runs the place is a little temperamental, especially about the ordering procedure. People secretly call him the Ramen Shogun."

Misato raised one eyebrow at hearing this.

Misato: "Why? What happens if you don't order the right way?"

Asuka [slight serious expression on her face]: "He yells and you don't get your ramen."

Misato [surprised]: "What?"

By the time she said that, the quartet's train had reached the station and they all got off. They then started walking in the direction of the ramen stand Shinji and Asuka had been talking about. They'd just seen it coming up as they explained the ordering procedure to Misato and Rei, as it'd been described to them by their friends.

Asuka: "Just follow the ordering procedure and you'll be fine."

Shinji [slightly apprehensive]: "All right, all right, let's-let's go over it again, just to be safe."

Asuka [a bit nervous]: "All right. As you walk in the place, move immediately to your left."

Misato: "What?"

Asuka: "The main thing is to keep the line moving."

Shinji: "Right. So, you hold out your money, speak your ramen order in a loud, clear voice, step to the left, and receive it."

Asuka: "Right. The key is to not embellish on your order. No extraneous comments, no questions, not even a compliment."

Misato [skeptical and sarcastic]: "Ooh, oh my, I'm SO scared!"

Shinji and Asuka just eyed their guardian with serious looks. Rei remained neutral, absorbing every bit of the conversation as they went along. Finally they reached the place.

Misato [surprised]: "WOW. The line's huge..."

Asuka: "According to Hikari, it's like this all the time."

The quartet managed to find places in the line, which soon began moving along. Rei was the first out of the four of them as she approached the counter, where the 'Ramen Shogun' himself stood stern, with a grim expression on his mustached face, much like that of his moniker.

Rei: "Garlic ramen. No roast pork."

She then handed him some of the money given to her by Misato and moved to the cash register to await her order. Asuka stepped up next, looking very calm and collected as she approached.

Asuka: "Shark fin ramen. WITH roast pork. Large."

Asuka then handed him the money as he nodded, and she then slid to her left to await her order.

Shinji was up next, and he still looked a bit nervous. He quickly gave his order, handed the Ramen Shogun the money, and then slid to the left to await his dish. When he was handed the container, he opened the lid and noticed something was off.

"Uh, excuse me?" he started to ask.

"_Baka_," Asuka muttered to herself as she face-palmed, knowing Shinji was in for it now.

"I, uh, I didn't get any moyashi," he said to the Ramen Shogun.

"Just forget it, baka, let it go..." Asuka implored to Shinji. Unfortunately, she was too late.

"Moyashi-218.57 yen extra," the Ramen Shogun sternly replied.

"What?" Shinji said startlingly, "But everyone before me got moyashi free!"

"You want moyashi?" the Shogun asked.

"Yes, please," Shinji meekly replied.

"327.85 yen!" the Shogun barked.

"WHAT?" Shinji sputtered out.

"NO RAMEN FOR YOU!" the Shogun barked as he snapped his fingers. On hearing that signal, the cashier took Shinji's ramen back and handed him back the money. Misato, witnessing the whole thing, was speechless. Before she could say anything to object to the Shogun's treatment of Shinji, Rei held her back, quietly shaking her head. Misato grumbled in response, and proceeded to just go with the flow, ordering a ramen like Shinji's but large enough for her to split with him. Silently, she vowed that she'd get even with this "Ramen Shogun" at some point.

The next day at NERV HQ, Misato was chatting with Ritsuko and the techs about what'd happened. Kaji passed by them at one point in their conversation.

Misato [suspicious]: "And just _where_ are you off to?"

Kaji [sloppy-grinned]: "What, little old me? Just goin' topside to get some lunch. And right now, I feel like a bowl of muligatawny would hit the spot."

Misato [confused]: "Muliga-wha?"

Kaji: "Muligatawny. It's an Indian soup. The one I'm after in particular is simmered to perfection by one of the great culinary artisans of our time."

Shigeru: "You talking about the Ramen Shogun?"

Misato: "He does more than ramen?"

Makoto: "Oh yeah. Ramen or soup, his is the stuff I swear by."

Maya: "Ditto for me."

Ritsuko: "Same here."

Misato [dumbstruck]: "Are you kidding? The guy shouldn't be in business, the way he treats customers."

Kaji: "What's your beef with him?"

Misato: "I took the kids there yesterday as a reward for beating the 10th Angel. Going there was even Asuka and Shinji's idea, since their friends raved about it. Then they told me about the 'system' that runs the place. It actually made Asuka _cautious_, something I've never known her to be. Anyway, even after going over the 'ordering procedure', Shinji made one little slip-up and got his order taken away! I wound up getting a large of what he would've had and shared it with him. Still, it was just an honest mistake, why'd the guy have to be so harsh?"

The others stared at Misato, which started to unnerve the ops director of NERV a bit.

Ritsuko: "They did warn you about what you were getting into."

Misato: "Rits, do you hear yourself right now?"

Kaji: "Take it easy, Katsuragi. Like it or not, that's what comes from living under a Shogunate."

At that, the three techs nodded in affirmation.

Misato [unconvinced]: "Easy for you to say. But one of these days, if I have anything to say about it, that guy is gonna get his."

On hearing that, the others got a bit nervous.

Ritsuko: "Trust me, Misato, you _really_ don't want to mess with the guy. Look at it this way-Commander Ikari, of all people, doesn't scare easily, but of all the people in the world who inspire fear in him, it's not the Committee. It's the Ramen Shogun."

Misato: "Well, I'm not scared of him. After all, the Shogunate did give way to the Meiji..."

A few days later, Misato, on her way home from the Geofront one day, found an old armoire out on the curb that someone was giving away for free. Feeling that her apartment could use a bit of sprucing up, she found a couple of guys to help her get it home and had it set up in an unoccupied space in her living room. Upon inspecting the drawers, she made an unexpected discovery after finding several sheets of paper within one of them. Perusing them further, she made an even greater discovery: the papers, it turned out, were ramen recipes. And not just anyone's-they were the Ramen Shogun's. The armoire had, in fact, been originally his. It was then Misato grinned as an idea began forming...

The following day, she waltzed into the ramen stand and asked to speak to the Shogun in private. Once out of the sight of the staff and customers, Misato made the Shogun an offer: he eases up with his 'customer service', and she won't leave his recipes with any of his competition. That, and he'd provide Shinji a free bowl of ramen the next time she brought him in, which would be the day after today. Having reached an agreement, the Shogun reluctantly conceded defeat to NERV's chief tactical officer as they shook on it. He knew right then and there that Misato Katsuragi was a woman not to be trifled with. For if he ever reneged even the tiniest bit on their 'treaty', he knew what the next words to come out of her mouth would be:

"No more ramen for _you_."

**END Part 15.**

****Author's Note(s)****

**I always knew trying to riff on "The Soup Nazi" was going to be difficult. I hope I did an okay job with a slightly abridged homage in the end.**


	17. Part 16

**Part 16 - A Cruel Angel's Rivalry**

***Author's Note: This takes place in the continuity of the alternate universe-set spin-off manga series ****_The Shinji Ikari Raising Project._*******

It was evening at the Ikari household, and the current occupants were Yui and Shinji and a visiting Kyoko and Asuka Sohryu. While Shinji and Asuka worked on some homework, Yui and Kyoko talked while they had some tea; Gendo was working late at the laboratory, and Rei was there for some additional testing. At some point in their conversation, Yui mentioned some news she'd received while at work earlier that day.

Yui: "So, learned something interesting today. You'll never guess who's dropping by the lab for some consultation: Naoko Akagi."

Kyoko [surprised]: "Naoko Akagi?"

Shinji and Asuka's ears perked up at hearing the name, as they turned to face their respective mothers.

Shinji [slightly confused]: "Who?"

Asuka [curious]: "Wait, any relation to our school's nurse?"

Yui [nodding]: "Mmm-hmm. Ritsuko's her daughter."

Yui turned to face the window of the apartment for a moment before speaking up again.

Yui: "Shinji, Asuka, only one other person in the world knows what I am about to tell you and that's Kyoko here." [She paused for a bit before resuming.] "Believe it or not, Naoko, Kyoko and I went to the same high school together. She was a couple classes ahead of us. Anyway, it was me and Kyoko's sophomore year. One day for gym class, they had us all line up at one end of the school's racetrack for a little contest. The goal was to see who'd represent the school in an upcoming track meet."

Asuka [one eyebrow arched]: "Uh-huh..."

Yui [nursing her tea cup]: "I was the last one on the end of the assembled students, and Kyoko was next to me. And Coach Hayashibara..."

Shinji: "Who?"

Kyoko [chiming in]: "Coach Hayashibara. She was our gym teacher."

Shinji and Asuka [getting it]: "Oh."

Yui: "Anyway, she was down at the other end of the row. So she yells out, "Ready? On your mark...Get set...", and I was so psyched up I just...took off. By the time she said "go", I was ten yards ahead of everybody."

Shinji and Asuka's eyes widened with surprise at hearing this. They did a quick double-take from Yui to each other and then back.

Shinji and Asuka: "No. Way."

Kyoko [moving to take another sip from her cup]: "She's serious, kids. I was there-I looked up, and could barely believe my own eyes."

Yui: "By the time the race was over, I'd already crossed the finish line. I was astounded that nobody'd noticed I'd even made that head start."

Shinji: "Really?"

Yui: "And I'd won by so much, that the rumor mill began churning out all sorts of things about me." [She slightly chuckled before she continued.] "Yep, before people started admiring my brain or my looks, everyone was all about my speed." [A small frown reappeared on her face.] "Only Naoko suspected something was off. She's had it in for me ever since." [Yui grimaced a bit.] "And now she's back..."

Asuka: "Well, what happened next?"

Shinji: "Did you ever race her again?"

Yui [shaking her head]: "Nope-never did. For the rest of my high school career, I never raced _anyone_ again-not even to the end of the block my family and I lived on to catch a bus. Because of that, all the rumor and speculation surrounding me grew and grew into something of myth. I kid you not, everyone in town, and I mean _everyone_, wanted me to race. They practically begged me, threw themselves at me. Coach Hayashibara even called my parents, pleaded with them, told them it was a sin for me to waste the God-given talent I had." [She fiddled around with her tea cup as she kept going.] "But I answered her in exactly the same way I answered everyone..." [She then made a 'dramatic' show of pointing with her left finger skyward.] "'I choose not to run.'"

Shinji and Asuka looked at each other again, slightly bewildered, and turned back to Yui.

Shinji: "So now Naoko's back?"

Yui [slightly scowling]: "Yep. She's back. As I knew she'd be someday." [Yui then downed her cup of tea instantly as if it were a shot of bourbon, clamping the empty tea cup onto the table like a shot glass.] "*WHEW!* Man, that's some hot tea!"

The next day at the lab, the staff cautiously observed the inevitable show of fireworks to come as Naoko Akagi arrived, Yui present to greet her.

Naoko [slightly smirking]: "Hello, Yui."

Yui [slightly scowling]: "Hello, _Naoko_."

**END Part 16.**

****Author's Note(s)**  
Our entry today lampoons a scene from "The Race", which has Yui and Naoko standing in for Jerry and Duncan Meyer. I felt it was fitting, considering the rivalry those two shared in ****_The Shinji Ikari Raising Project_****. The little variation on the 'Hello Jerry/Hello ****_Newman_****' recurring gag made it all the more sweeter.**


End file.
